All I ever wanted to be was a mom.
Some will say I had low aspirations for myself and did not aim high enough; some will say I was lazy and took the easy way out (ha!). All I know is that it has been the one constant in my life, the one thread that wove itself into my tapestry I call life, the one thing I really wanted to be "when I grew up."
Oh, there were other dreams that were tossed in there that changed with the wind and with my age - at 5, it was a ballerina; as a teenager it was a model and Miss America; along with the standard fare of fireman, basketball player, and veterinarian...all those fun and exciting jobs.
Even today, as a mother of four beautiful kids, and nearing 40, I have colleagues and bosses that tell me I should go back to school and get a degree. So I set myself to thinking of "what I want to be when I grow up" - a life coach? A journalist? A computer programmer? An accountant? A lawyer? Where is my passion?
Passion...slowly my mind turns to thoughts of my children - my youngest in 2nd grade - and how I need to help them first get through school before I can even think of going back to school. I think of my oldest son, in college, preparing for life on his own, making decisions that will affect his path. And, as for my kids in the "middle" they are embarking on some wonderful times and experiences in their lives. Do I really want to miss out on all that because I am sitting in a classroom, or up to my eyeballs in homework?
I began as a young mother, nearly still a child myself - barely out of my teens and married when I had my first child. When I think about the classroom I've been a student of for the past 18 years, it is the classroom of life. It takes a lot to make a family work, to raise kids, especially on your own. When you are in your early 20's, it is a time for figuring out who you are, what you believe in, why you are here...but I didn't have time for all that because I was busy being a mother and a wife. I guess somewhere along the way, I found my answers. Maybe those answers aren't the same ones that I would have found had I been in college, living in a dorm and living life like all of my friends, but answers, nonetheless.
I will say that the lessons I've learned can't be found in any textbook, or necessarily in the Bible, but they have been great lessons - things that my children have taught me (probably more than I've taught them), lessons by trial and error and, the ever popular and favorite of mine, lessons by fire. And here I am, well past the age of college and degrees, and still learning something new every day - about myself, about my kids, about life. Now THAT is a classroom!
So, once again, the decision I come back to is that what I want to be when I grow up is a...Mother. Not just any mother, but a GOOD mother.
I have always felt that I carried these beautiful beings in my womb and it is my job to give them the tools, morals and values to see them safely through to the end of their journey here on earth. I consider it a privelege to help guide their footsteps, to cheer them on and to help them when needed.
It is sometimes a hard path, one that leaves me in tears from time-to-time, as well as doubting my abilities. It is at those times, when I feel at my lowest, that one of them will do or say something remarkable to me that fills me with hope and the ability to continue going. I hope someday they will each understand where I have been coming from all these years and the reasons for my determination to make sure they are safe, healthy and making responsible choices. Until then, I will just continue to fail, learn and love every minute of it.
~alicia
Some will say I had low aspirations for myself and did not aim high enough; some will say I was lazy and took the easy way out (ha!). All I know is that it has been the one constant in my life, the one thread that wove itself into my tapestry I call life, the one thing I really wanted to be "when I grew up."
Oh, there were other dreams that were tossed in there that changed with the wind and with my age - at 5, it was a ballerina; as a teenager it was a model and Miss America; along with the standard fare of fireman, basketball player, and veterinarian...all those fun and exciting jobs.
Even today, as a mother of four beautiful kids, and nearing 40, I have colleagues and bosses that tell me I should go back to school and get a degree. So I set myself to thinking of "what I want to be when I grow up" - a life coach? A journalist? A computer programmer? An accountant? A lawyer? Where is my passion?
Passion...slowly my mind turns to thoughts of my children - my youngest in 2nd grade - and how I need to help them first get through school before I can even think of going back to school. I think of my oldest son, in college, preparing for life on his own, making decisions that will affect his path. And, as for my kids in the "middle" they are embarking on some wonderful times and experiences in their lives. Do I really want to miss out on all that because I am sitting in a classroom, or up to my eyeballs in homework?
I began as a young mother, nearly still a child myself - barely out of my teens and married when I had my first child. When I think about the classroom I've been a student of for the past 18 years, it is the classroom of life. It takes a lot to make a family work, to raise kids, especially on your own. When you are in your early 20's, it is a time for figuring out who you are, what you believe in, why you are here...but I didn't have time for all that because I was busy being a mother and a wife. I guess somewhere along the way, I found my answers. Maybe those answers aren't the same ones that I would have found had I been in college, living in a dorm and living life like all of my friends, but answers, nonetheless.
I will say that the lessons I've learned can't be found in any textbook, or necessarily in the Bible, but they have been great lessons - things that my children have taught me (probably more than I've taught them), lessons by trial and error and, the ever popular and favorite of mine, lessons by fire. And here I am, well past the age of college and degrees, and still learning something new every day - about myself, about my kids, about life. Now THAT is a classroom!
So, once again, the decision I come back to is that what I want to be when I grow up is a...Mother. Not just any mother, but a GOOD mother.
I have always felt that I carried these beautiful beings in my womb and it is my job to give them the tools, morals and values to see them safely through to the end of their journey here on earth. I consider it a privelege to help guide their footsteps, to cheer them on and to help them when needed.
It is sometimes a hard path, one that leaves me in tears from time-to-time, as well as doubting my abilities. It is at those times, when I feel at my lowest, that one of them will do or say something remarkable to me that fills me with hope and the ability to continue going. I hope someday they will each understand where I have been coming from all these years and the reasons for my determination to make sure they are safe, healthy and making responsible choices. Until then, I will just continue to fail, learn and love every minute of it.
~alicia
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